Today I enjoyed the feeling of the warmth of the sun on my skin.
We always hear that it's important to enjoy the "little" things. But, perhaps even more important, we have to become AWARE of the little things.
Sometimes this isn't easy. Sometimes we intentionally choose to stop being aware.
For a long time, I didn't recognize a lot of my intuitive tendencies. However, as I became more in tune with myself, I started to see some patterns.
For instance, one of the telltale signs that something is very wrong has become crystal clear:
I get a chill. The bigger the offense, the less its likelihood of quickly departing.
I've had a chill since last night. Even after a really intense workout this morning, drenched in sweat -- I was still cold.
To put it lightly, the Super Bowl ended up triggering some memories.
This time last year, I thought I was in a whole different place in my previous relationship.
We were supposedly on the cusp of blending families, being comfortable out in public, talking about the future. It felt like things were finally "real."
We had communicated in great depth. We were going in the right direction.
I remember watching the Super Bowl together in her bed. I remember her expressing interest with what was happening and wanting to know more about the game. It may seem like a small thing, but when somebody has no interest in a game, but spends her whole evening watching and trying to learn, it just felt nice. It felt real.
There was a lot of hope in the air -- all around.
I thought I was building a life.
It was about two months later when it all came crashing down.
I found out that it was all lies.
Carefully crafted words.
Means to an end.
For me, last night's Super Bowl was yet another memory to recall with the seemingly simple, yet painfully complicated question I have used to trace over so much of the past two years: "Real or not real?"
I remember the first chill vividly.
It was our "on" weekend together (neither of us had our kids) so we would be able to spend the time together. We were supposed to go see one of my favorite bands play. We had texted throughout the day. All was well.
Until it wasn't.
It was all too typical.
She picked a random fight over nothing. This was her MO during entirely too much of our time together.
For whatever reason, I decided I could salvage the night and we still went to see the band play.
The whole time we were there, she refused to even speak to me. The band played some of "our" songs.
It was the first time a friend requested that I no longer bring her to the events.
I think I will always remember that night vividly. I was sitting at Cheers Sunrise in the middle of a hot night... FREEZING.
Perhaps I will remember it more because the chill didn't go away. For two days, in 80* weather, I felt cold everywhere I went.
After that time, whenever we would get into a major fight, I would get the chill again.
Since that time, and because I've become a lot more in tune with myself and my abilities, whenever something feels extremely wrong in my life with another person, I get the chill. It passes quickly, but I feel it nonetheless.
Last night, I remembered my previous Super Bowl memory. I remembered the feelings of hope that I had that night in that bed. I felt the chill. Once again, it stuck around.
Now when the chill comes, I know that it means that I have more healing work to do. I dig deeper.
There is still a lot of healing ahead, particularly with the forgiveness process. But, now I can move forward peacefully knowing that my life has done a 180* in less than one year.
For that, I am so grateful.
But, this experience has led me to question -- and help my clients question -- what message does the Universe send to you to let you know that something isn't right?
It doesn't have to be a chill. But, if you pay close enough attention, you'll probably find something:
That headache you keep getting...
That 'feeling' in your stomach...
That 'nagging' thought...
Do you listen??
Today I feel light.
There is an ease about me.
Today I am thankful for the radiant sunlight warming my skin.