Today is my one year un-iversary.
A year ago today my partner of nearly two years walked out and never came back. She was having an affair and decided to move on.
It was a terribly toxic relationship that consisted of a lot of mind games, lies, and neglect.
Unfortunately, I went all in.
Although she expressed those in the opposite way that I do, I saw many of my core wounds in her. I somehow believed that I could heal her and fix her.
I fell into behavior patterns that I'd left behind many years ago. Depression. Anxiety. Suicidality. Anorexic patterns. Drinking wayyy too much alcohol. Crying in bed for days. It got really bad.
Like Tove Lo's 'Habits' was my theme song bad.
I remember reading the Rolling Stone article about Stevie Nicks where her best friend Tom Petty said that decades ago he worried so much about Nicks and was sure that he was going to get a call that she had overdosed on cocaine.
It hit me harder because my favorite band friend had just finished saying, "I don't know, Ali, we are all just kinda sitting here waiting to get the call that you wrapped your car around a tree."
The words stung. The deadpan emotion behind it stung more. It was a throwing of the hands in the air.
I was somehow able to compartmentalize for the most part.
I stayed in shape. Did some yoga. Taught spin and boot camp classes. I showed up. Empowered and built up others. Successfully ran my business. Interacted with friends. Had a social life. Cooked. Kept my house up.
But, the maternal guilt was nothing I could explain. Despite all of the above, I knew the thoughts in my head.
The last time I experienced the depression/anxiety/suicidality trifecta, I was alone in New Orleans working on my Ph.D. Now I had two little lives to consider. Two little lives who meant more than life itself to me.
I don't know how, but this period had very little impact on them. I still did everything they needed me to do. I was still there for them showing them all the love in the world. We went places. We had fun.
The only caveat to this is they knew "Mommy cries a lot."
The day after she left, I had a massive breakdown.
But, then something completely unexpected occurred.
I felt so much relief. It was like this massive weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was out of the toxic neglect cycle and I didn't need to try to love her whole anymore.
I'd been released.
Things went really well for about 3 months.
But, then as I started to dig deeper, I discovered a thought I couldn't shake:
What in the fuck is wrong with me that she had to leave me? I was never
going to end it. She had to. The toxic half had to walk away first. I clung
to a toxic person and a toxic situation. Why? What is wrong with me?
Thankfully, I had the most amazing life coach who helped me trace it all through and see all of the little things I had done that set it up for her to leave.
I might not have physically walked out that front door, but I created the conditions to make her do it. There wasn't anything wrong with me.
I just wasn't 100% there yet. But, the 80-ish% was enough.
I spent many months bawling my eyes out to this song.
Nicki Minaj wrote it while going through her divorce, Skylar Gray has always been my #girlcrush, and the words are just so in line with everything I experienced.
I heard it today and felt so much gratitude for the process.
I just returned from New York City where I attended Gabrielle Bernstein's Spirit Junkie Masterclass.
I attended because I wanted to be the best, soul-centered life transformations coach I could possibly be.
This weekend was so much about worthiness and self-love. And, allowing yourself to be whole and treating yourself the way you treat friends and clients.
One of the biggest things Gabby taught us is to put away our ideas of what we think we *should* be teaching and coaching and step wholly into the work we were brought here to do.
She taught us that what we have been through -- the messiest, hardest parts -- those are what we are meant to teach and share.
So here it is.
Here's To OUR Success,
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