Can YOU Be The Love You So Freely Give Away?

Today is my one year un-iversary.

A year ago today my partner of nearly two years walked out and never came back. She was having an affair and decided to move on.

​It was a terribly toxic relationship that consisted of a lot of mind games, lies, and neglect.

Unfortunately, I went all in.

Although she expressed those in the opposite way that I do, I saw many of my core wounds in her. I somehow believed that I could heal her and fix her.

I fell into behavior patterns that I'd left behind many years ago. Depression. Anxiety. Suicidality. Anorexic patterns. Drinking wayyy too much alcohol. Crying in bed for days. It got really bad.

​Like Tove Lo's 'Habits' was my theme song bad. 

I remember reading the Rolling Stone article about Stevie Nicks where her best friend Tom Petty said that decades ago he worried so much about Nicks and was sure that he was going to get a call that she had overdosed on cocaine.

It hit me harder because my favorite band friend had just finished saying, "I don't know, Ali, we are all just kinda sitting here waiting to get the call that you wrapped your car around a tree."

The words stung. The deadpan emotion behind it stung more. It was a throwing of the hands in the air.
Resignation.

I was somehow able to compartmentalize for the most part.

I stayed in shape. Did some yoga. Taught spin and boot camp classes. I showed up. Empowered and built up others. Successfully ran my business. Interacted with friends. Had a social life. Cooked. Kept my house up.

But, the maternal guilt was nothing I could explain. Despite all of the above, I knew the thoughts in my head.

The last time I experienced the depression/anxiety/suicidality trifecta, I was alone in New Orleans working on my Ph.D. Now I had two little lives to consider. Two little lives who meant more than life itself to me.

I don't know how, but this period had very little impact on them. I still did everything they needed me to do. I was still there for them showing them all the love in the world. We went places. We had fun.

The only caveat to this is they knew "Mommy cries a lot."

​The day after she left, I had a massive breakdown.

But, then something completely unexpected occurred.

I felt so much relief. It was like this massive weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was out of the toxic neglect cycle and I didn't need to try to love her whole anymore.

I'd been released.

Things went really well for about 3 months.

But, then as I started to dig deeper, I discovered a thought I couldn't shake:
       What in the fuck is wrong with me that she had to leave me? I was never
       going to end it. She had to. The toxic half had to walk away first. I clung
​       to a toxic person and a toxic situation. Why? What is wrong with me?

Thankfully, I had the most amazing life coach who helped me trace it all through and see all of the little things I had done that set it up for her to leave.

I might not have physically walked out that front door, but I created the conditions to make her do it. There wasn't anything wrong with me.

I just wasn't 100% there yet. But, the 80-ish% was enough.

​I spent many months bawling my eyes out to this song. 

Nicki Minaj wrote it while going through her divorce, Skylar Gray has always been my #girlcrush, and the words are just so in line with everything I experienced. 

I heard it today and felt so much gratitude for the process. 

I just returned from New York City where I attended Gabrielle Bernstein's Spirit Junkie Masterclass.

I attended because I wanted to be the best, soul-centered life transformations coach I could possibly be.

This weekend was so much about worthiness and self-love. And, allowing yourself to be whole and treating yourself the way you treat friends and clients.

One of the biggest things Gabby taught us is to put away our ideas of what we think we *should* be teaching and coaching and step wholly into the work we were brought here to do.

She taught us that what we have been through -- the messiest, hardest parts -- those are what we are meant to teach and share.

So here it is.
Let's begin.

• Can you love yourself more?
• Can you see yourself as worthy and good enough?
• Can you create conditions that ensure toxic relationships end? 
• Can you walk away from toxic situations?
• Can you see that you can never, ever love somebody whole?
• Can you see that anyone who mocks any type of mental health condition, but particularly suicidality, does not deserve another second of your time?
• Can you see that someone who triggers and treats your mental health like a game has got to go?
• Can you release the self-blame?
• Can you let go of the guilt?
• Can you forgive yourself?
• Can you take the space you need for writing and music and art and prayer and meditation or whatever else allows you to process your most difficult emotions and feelings and make it your own special time?

Here's To OUR Success,

P.S.: If you want to learn the five most important takeaways from the Spirit Junkie Masterclass training and how to apply it in your own life to create a joyful, fulfilling, and courageously confident life, check out the training I just created... 

SpiritJunkie Takeaways Training

$97.00 $49.00

Buy Now

Discover Five of The Most Important Strategies I Learned In Gabby Bernstein’s Spirit Junkie Masterclass and How To Apply Them In Your Own Life to Create More Joy, Confidence, & Abundance

​In This Exclusive Training, You Will Receive:

• Training videos explaining the five most important strategies and how to apply them in your own life to your unique situation
• Workbook download with powerful life transformations coaching questions and ideas
• The most effective guided visualization technique I have ever learned to release the past and anything holding you back
• The steps you need to take in order to develop an abundance mindset
• Proven solutions to help you step into your personal power and create a joyful, fulfilling, and courageously confident lifestyle.